Mama's favorite = Sibling pain

Playing favorites with your children - a subject most parents will likely deny that they do; but in most cases it's likely that they did. But for what reasons is the question that most people, myself included, would love the answer to.

The reasons are vast: the parent may relate better to one child as opposed to their sibling; one child may demands more attention because of an illness, etc.; the parent may still be struggling with issues from their own childhood; or the parent may be struggling with more severe mental issues. No matter the reason, though, the child is the one who ultimately struggles with feelings of rejection and with no explanation, the feelings transcend to adult insecurities and recurrent actions with their own children.

At seven years old I already knew the pain of rejection - I was fully aware that my biological mother didn't want me and I was going to live with husband and wife who told the state they wanted to raise me. So, when years went by and I could see that I was not getting the same affection and general attention as my older sister, the feelings of rejection deepened. Worse, I didn't know how to say how I felt, so frustration caused me to act up - which didn't attract smiles and approval from my parents like my sister always seemed to get.

In my eyes, my mother - and father too - doted on my sister. We both got the same physical opportunities - piano lessons, ballet, church, clarinet. But I wasn't interested in any of that and I never felt any interest from either of my parents to find out where my strengths were. I failed at all of those opportunities and so I was just left hanging - looking like I was just good for getting in trouble or I just wanted to just do nothing with my life. But that wasn't true. I just knew that those opportunities weren't for me.

Consequently, I grew up angry, unfulfilled, frustrated, unsure of who I was or what my priorities should be, and totally clueless about being a parent. I raised my children as a single mother when my marriage ended without the foggiest visual of what a good mother was or how to become one. I dealt with three different personalities and ended up with one who gave me more problems than the other two. She was always in trouble for something and I came to expect that type of behavior from her which didn't endear her to me. I loved her but I didn't know how to like her. With my middle daughter I didn't know what to think. She didn't give me any problems usually, but I didn't understand her - she kept to herself and wasn't overly affectionate. I never knew what she was thinking because even if I asked, she kept to herself. I loved her but it was hard to relate to her. My youngest daughter was like my sister was with my parents - always around me, always affectionate; and usually didn't give me any trouble that would keep me from seeing that part of her. So she was the one I could relate to more. So, without any conscious effort on my part - because I didn't analyze any of this until they were grown - in her sister's eyes, my youngest became my favorite.

But in my eyes, it didn't happen that way. I didn't know how to be a mother with my eldest; learned a little more with my middle; and I can't say I fully evolved, but I completed at least half the journey to my idea of a good parent with my youngest. By the time I got to her, it looked like she could do no wrong to her sisters. What they didn't see was that as a single parent with all of them, I was tired and I had started prioritizing my discipline, which should have been the case when the older two were younger, but I hadn't evolved as a parent back then. The youngest didn't have me wrapped around her finger, she was just fortunate to have been born last and got more of my best than my worst.

Now, at 48 years old, both my parents deceased, I still analyze my mother's parenting to discover that I made an error in judgment - that she wasn't playing favorites with my sister; she was just overwhelmed, frustrated, suffering from an illness ... something.

I can't find anything. I can't find anything to explain why she looked directly in my eyes when I was a pre-teen and wished that "the person who stole the gum out of my purse, chokes on it;" or why she freely handed out affection to my sister and not me; or why she thought it would help my self-esteem to tell me, "they told us you would be a problem when we adopted you." Or finally, to send me off to college and never call or visit; but send my sister off to college and stay in constant touch with her. I asked her these questions once; she denied that any of those scenarios happened.

So, with my mother I'll never know. With my daughters I've done my best to explain that I love them all and that it wasn't my intention to play favorites. That I treated each one of them according to their own personalities and that if I had been a better parent in the beginning, I would have been able to show that each one of them represents a piece of me - which makes all of them favorites.

For all of my daughters and for others who don't understand the circumstances behind their parents playing favorites, I hope their children will get the best of them. And if that's not possible, I hope that one day they're willing to explain to their child why.